I hate it when people begin a blog post by apologizing to readers for not posting in a long time. I think it is annoying so I will spare you. I know I haven’t written anything for about a month and to be honest, the two posts that were published, I actually wrote before Brody died and I had scheduled them to post on their own.
I just passed a month without my best friend and it doesn’t seem to get much easier. As Adam wrote, when I am going through a hard time it can always be fixed with a cuddle date with Brody. Now I am sadder than I can remember and my magic elixir is missing.
I know many people think they are just dogs but they are so much more than that. Brody has been my best friend since I was 20. He was my protector, the ultimate listener and my version of Prozac. There was not a single day that went by that he didn’t make me laugh.
Brody was larger than life and we lived his life to the fullest. It was not easy keeping that dog alive, even before the cancer. Brody had some special needs and an internal compass that was permanently askew. I could tell you Brody stories every day and you would find it hard to believe they were all about the same dog. His judgement wasn’t always the best like the time he jumped down a waterfall, ate a bottle of rug cleaner or approached a large skunk the way you would another dog (he went to go sniff the skunks rear – it ended badly).
Losing this part of your life is more than losing a pet. Your life, your schedule, your buying habits, exercising habits and how you just live your day to day life are around around this animal. You need to relearn how you do everything. With a special needs pup like Brody, my life very much revolved around him.
What I have
I do not have Brody but I know I do have a lot. I have a wonderful husband who has let me grieve in the way I need to. I have wonderful friends and family who have come to see me and let me know that they are thinking about me. I have an understanding boss and coworkers who have given me the space and time that I need to figure this out.
What I also have is the confidence that I did everything I could for my hairy friend. I never knew if when it was time, I would be able to make the decisions I needed to make. I know, I knew and I can sleep knowing I did everything that I could. The day I had to put Brody down, he had been in a lot of pain and a CT scan showed that he had dozens of lesions in his spine and in his ribs. The cancer was back, it was big and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
I have comfort in all the decisions I made along the way. The day Brody shattered his leg in April and we found out about the bone cancer, I made some decisions about what we would do. I took all my clues from Brody on what he wanted and what he was up for. With the amputation and the chemo, we got an extra 10 months and every day it was like he knew it was a gift. There was an actual smile on that dog’s face that didn’t go away until right near the end.
I loved that dog, let’s be honest, I was obsessed with that dog and taking the best care I could of him. He deserved it. Now I have to figure out how to carry on. I will. It will take time. I don’t know how much but I bet it is a lot. I think there will always be places and things I won’t be able to do without thinking of him and those will be little gifts.
Thanks everyone for your patience, your love and your kind words. They are truly appreciated. I will get back into blogging regularly about all the other pieces of life I come across. This is a part of my life and I appreciate that I had you and this blog to share it with.