The Big Three on Relationship Advice

relationship adviceBeing all married up, I am certified to give relationship advice… aren’t I? That is what a lot of people think. Even people I just met will ask me for relationship advice. I don’t mind it, I actually kind of like it. I like people and I like hearing about people’s lives, so it is cool.

Each relationship has it’s own cast of characters, setting, introduction, intricacies and story but in my opinion, when you are looking deep into your relationship to determine if it is going to work – you have a lot in common with a lot of other people. In that inspection, I see a lot of similarities from ‘troubled’ relationship to relationship. I have seen it first hand, second hand and heard it in stories from people I don’t even know.

So as relationship advice goes, I would say these are the big three I dole out:

  1. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t – When two people get together, they bring two different histories and personalities together. Too often, one party molds into what they think the other person wants and in-turn they lose a bit of themselves. Acting, after awhile, gets exhausting. Be yourself, hold on to the things you like to do and that will will attract the right person.
  2. Don’t wait for the other person to change – On the reflection on the last point, be fair and don’t wait for your partner to change. It isn’t fair for you to expect them to change for you. You have to love someone for who they are and not what you think they can be or who you want them to be.
  3. Don’t be stupid – Listen to your gut or your heart – if something doesn’t feel right, it might not be right. Before you read their texts, emails, follow them after work, hire a PI – STOP! If something is making you feel that icky, you have a reason to feel that way. There is a good chance you are right or you may just be with someone you won’t ever trust and that probably won’t work very well either.

Those are the big three I see the most out in the relationship jungle. If you are there, know millions have been before you and made it to the other side. Those are also places I have been in myself. If you want to hear more about my stories, buy me a glass of wine and I might tell you someday.

I also know that with the end of many relationships, you feel like that is it… and you ruined it by not trying enough, being patient enough, pretty enough etc. etc. That isn’t true and in-time you will recognize that you did the right thing and when you are in the right place you will look back on this relationship as a teaching moment.

I think every single relationship we have (no matter how horrible) teaches us something, even if it is just showing us what we do not want.

Oh and no, I do not think I am some type of relationship expert. I DO think I want people to be happy with themselves and their relationships. Sometimes it takes the advice of a friend, a family member or a complete stranger to let you know it is going to be ok.

Photo credit: dev null

And if you are upset this post isn’t about Brody, here is a picture of him yesterday with a big old grin on his face!

Nobody Talks About Happily Ever After

Happily Ever After
Photo credit:

I was (am) a really big fan of the series Sex and the City (Affiliate link), especially in my twenties. I was so excited for the movie to come out in 2008… want to know why? Because at the end of the series, Carrie and Mr. Big finally end up together so finally we would see what happily ever after looked like!

Spoiler alert – you don’t get to see what happily ever after looks like in the movie (not really in the second one either). I left the theater so disappointed.

No one seems to talk about happily ever after. Every movie or series ends with the couple having their first dramatic kiss, or walking away holding hands, or maybe even walking down the aisle. But then what?

It is no secret that over 50% of marriages end in divorce and that many couples are opting to live with each other but not get married. Obviously there are millions of reasons for marriages going down the shitter but I have this one theory – that if no one talks about what happens after happily ever after we are helping set these new relationships up for failure. No one knows what to expect and then when the wedding is over, or the kids are grown, or the allure fades we panic because we don’t know what this is supposed to feel like.

The other day there was a teaser on the Today Show for a book on modern marriages. I was so excited! I am married and I am living in these modern times! I had already decided that I was probably going to buy it. Then the segment came on. It was for the book Marriage Confidential: The Post-Romantic Age of Workhorse Wives, Royal Children, Undersexed Spouses, and Rebel Couples Who Are Rewriting the Rules (Affiliate)… that isn’t what I was looking for.

Where is the book called like ‘So You Are Married and Happy’? I would read that one. Mind you, I haven’t read Haag’s Marriage Confidential but it seems a little negative and scary just from the piece I saw.

So what am I going to do about it?

I think I am going to talk about it. I think people in happy marriages (like mine) should be celebrated. I love my husband. No we don’t have children and don’t you dare ask me if I am pregnant… we may have children someday but right now we like being married and there is nothing wrong with that.

The other day my mother texted me that my father drove past her on the island and blew her a kiss. They have been married for 25 years. They are best friends and they are happy. That should be celebrated.

So I am going to do my part to talk about what happens after ‘and they lived happily ever after’ because we as a society should. If we let people know more about what a marriage is like, it could help other people feel more normal when they are uncomfortable. I will of course have to run a lot of this by my husband but I think he will be on board.

I am not a certified professional or therapist or life coach but I have a little first-hand, real-world, best of breed experience with marriage (2.75 years experience and counting) and I will use this little space I have carved out here online to talk about how a modern marriage can actually happen.

“I have been married 65 years, 66 in September, and I think that is a pretty good start” – A nice lady Adam met today

ps – If you have a story about living happily ever after I would LOVE to hear it and possibly share it. Just let me know!